Curbing lying in children

Nine-year-old Banjo Alade is regarded as a very polite and respectful child. But three months ago, his parents said he showed a streak that was not obvious before; he told a lie.

It all started with a broken toy car. It was a birthday gift to Alade’s younger sister, Mercy, given to her by her parents.

On that day, Alade had come back home from school, still bubbling with the rush of excitement. The toy had been his favourite playmate and sometimes, he bullied Mercy to have access to the car.

On that day, it fell from his hands. Out of fear for the consequences of his action, Alade lied when the mother asked him who broke it. Since both siblings attended the same school, the little boy said it was one of Mercy’s classmates who broke it.

When the mother asked him again, he started crying, and slowly said he didn’t do it. The mother let it pass and he got away with it.

If that was all that was to it, the parents said they would have been relieved. But the lying became a habit that took a weird turn.

“Since then, Banjo lies at the drop of a hat. He lies about almost anything and everything, as little as whether he was watching a particular programme on television or doing his homework, I’m tired of it all,” said the worried mother, Mrs. Alade.

Children lie for different reasons. One of the common ones, child rights experts say, is to avoid the punishment that comes with wrongdoing or an unexpected error.

“Small children live in a world that’s difficult for them to manage and in which they often stand accused of doing damage of one kind or another. Denying wrongdoing is therefore their most usual kind of lie and the kind that most often gets them into trouble,” noted the author of Penelope Leach’s Your Baby & Child.

At other times, children lie to get out of trouble or for the fun of it.

This was the case of 10-year-old Dike, who fabricates stories about his classmates so as to get them into trouble with the teacher. As the class captain, Dike was the one responsible for writing down the names of noisemakers and on one of those days, he told a lie to get back at another pupil in his class for not sharing his lunch with him during break.

A parent, Mrs. Ada Johnson, agreed that children mostly lied to avoid punishment.

“Sometimes also, children also lie as a defence mechanism against criticisms and judgment that may seem unfair to them as kids, and because of their fragile nature, they may not be able to handle the pain that comes with it,” she said.

Johnson, who is also a teacher in a private primary school in Lagos, said she had seen many instances where pupils told lies to get away with something because of the repercussion.

She said, “Recently, a pupil in primary three was suspected of stealing some amount of money from another pupil in her class. But she vehemently denied she was the one who stole the money because of the punishment to be given. The teachers had already threatened to punish her severely if she was the one who committed the theft.

“In the end, another pupil identified her as the culprit. The pupil picked her among many others as the one responsible for the theft. She got punished eventually. It wouldn’t have made any difference if she had told the truth, she would have gotten a lighter punishment.”

Johnson thus advised that teachers and parents alike should be lenient with children, especially those below age seven when trying to extract information about wrongdoing from them.

“But parents should get to know their children better and encourage them to tell the truth always. Discipline is good, but when it comes to punishment, they should be a little bit lenient with them because if it is a harsh one, that child would be scared of telling the truth and then be forced to lie in that instance,” she added.

Another parent, Mrs. Linda Cole, said children who tell the truth should be rewarded as an incentive to show that truth telling pays.

Cole stated, “That is done to encourage the child if the child lies a lot. It is a form of therapy to build the child character. Even if the child doesn’t usually lie, an incentive would still encourage the child to keep up the habit of telling the truth, because the child might find himself or herself in a situation or an association where he or she could be forced to lie.”

Psychologists say parents should make diligent efforts or seek help in curbing lying in their children before it degenerates into a dangerous vice.

“Lying, for whatever reason, should be a source of concern to any parent,” noted a child psychologist.

Aside from protection against judgement and criticisms, a consultant psychologist, Dr. Oyewole Adeoye, said children lied as an innocent way of protecting themselves from their parents’ temper.

“For example, if a child knows that his mother or father would scream and shout if he or she tells the truth, to avoid that, that child would lie in a bid to manage that temper tantrum. Parents should avoid showing extreme emotions when trying to handle such situations with their kids,” Adeoye said.

Adeoye noted that it was inappropriate for parents to hurl abusive words at their children.

He advised parents to desist from authoritarian rules in their homes if they truly wanted to successfully tackle lying habits in their children.

“Don’t bully that child into admitting the truth. The parent should instead reassure the child that telling the truth won’t cause him any harm and it is the right thing to do.

“When a parent is quite authoritarian in his approach in relating with a child, that child would be forced to lie about things even when he is in the position to tell the truth,’’ Adeoye noted.

The psychologist further advised that parents should focus on the issue and not lay blame on the erring child.

“They should be honest with the child to let the child know why the act of lying in any situation is wrong and proffer solutions to that particular issue,” he added.

Stating that it was important to respect a child’s privacy when he or she is wary of telling the truth, Adeoye said parents should be firm, “because they need to probe that thing or issue that is causing distress or could pose danger to the child in the future.’’

Experts on child development have, at various times, advised parents to set good examples for their children and also seek to re-establish trust with a child who has a bad habit of lying.

“Consider establishing a behaviour contract that will help you know when he’s ready for more privileges based on his willingness to be honest,” a parenting website counselled parents on the approach to adopt in curbing lying in children.

It further said seeking professional help might be a last recourse when lying was becoming a chronic habit for any child.

“There are times when lying can be a big problem for children. If your child’s lying seems to be pathological or it causes problems for the child in school or with peers, seek professional help to address the habit,” it stated.