When marriage is not the answer…

One who is not ready to face his /her reality, seeks answers in the wrong places.

A lot of the times you think ‘not having a spouse’ is the issue, is actually when you don’t need one.

Emotional readiness is what should propel you towards marriage and only then can you give it your best shot.

When unemployed, what you need most is a job/skill acquisition and not marriage. There is a fulfillment that ‘having a job’ gives you; that is even when you don’t begin to feel sorry for yourself or depressed anytime you have issues with your better half.

Except you have a solid arrangement with your spouse to be otherwise, please get off your behind and go find something doing. Go back to school (if you have to) to retrain yourself. The men in this category are most pathetic. A man is not wired to be catered for by a woman; otherwise your manliness chips off any time you let that happen to you. And you must not be as comfortable as your woman, to make efforts to bring something to the table.

When you have had an unpleasant experience (jilted, divorced, separated, etc) in a relationship, jumping into the next open arms is not what you need. You need to give yourself time to heal emotionally. There should be no rush if substance is what you seek in a relationship. And whatever your age or circumstances are; love can happen to you. If you rush into another relationship without healing properly, you risk going on the rebounds and your list of failed relationships gets longer. Nobody deserves to be made to pay for your unpleasant experiences in the hands of another.

Mind you, ‘healing’ also involves x-raying (in earnest) your roles in your failed relationships. In a failed relationship, nobody is 100 percent at fault. The other party almost always shares some blames too.

When you are bereaved, what you need is to find closure…first. Keep away from anybody whose idea of consoling you is forcing you into a relationship. You need to be ready to share yourself with another. Some people obsess over their deceased loved ones longer than any human can tolerate and if this describes you, then stay single and make do with your memories. Nobody deserves to be constantly compared to ‘the dead’ – whatever your memories of them are. It is most insensitive. If you ever decide to open up your heart again, it should be to embrace another totally; it is the only way you can get the best out of whoever you are involved with.

Marriage is not the answer when you are single parenting and your inner most desire is anything but emotional oneness with another. If you are a male single parent who feels getting married will ensure your children are better looked after; please find a paid minder. They will do a better job than someone who comes into your life with the hope of being the bone of your bone, only to be made to realise she comes a distant second in your life. Resentment is what you would likely harvest from such a setting and God knows, she would be far from nice to your kids. It is only a happy soul that can make another happy. Nothing hurts like failed expectations!

Marriage is not the answer when you are broke or at some ‘dead end’ (career wise, financially, etc) in your life. That is a period to actually stay in your lane, go through it all, figure out ‘the way forward’ and emerge stronger and wiser. There is every tendency to settle (for less) when you are vulnerable and believe me, you will not appreciate such choices when you find your feet!